Why this book:  In the All American Leadership (faculty) Reading Group, this book had been proposed numerous times and a number of us had already read it and found it well done.  It was finally selected by the group for the group to read and review.

Summary in 3 sentences:  Stanier argues that all leaders should be coaches and that coaching should be key part of a leader’s  everyday interactions with individuals on their teams in order to continually develop them as leaders .  He first talks about breaking bad habits and developing new and better habits – specifically applied to how leaders interact with their subordinates in the way of “coaching.”   He then goes on to suggest 7 questions that leaders should use to stimulate thinking in their subordinates which will develop them into thinkers, and problem solvers themselves, rather than depending on the leader to think and problem solve for the team.

Impressions: Short and very readable.  Easily read in about 2 hours on an airplane.  But after reading it, I needed to go back and review each chapter. There is a lot of content that can easily be passed over as self-evident, but which I’ve realized, deserves more attention.

I really like the apparent simplicity of his approach.  I say “apparent” because most of us are in a pattern of behavior that is difficult to break, and he suggests some simple, understandable NEW approaches to interacting with subordinates that shifts much of “Leadership” into a “coaching” activity as opposed to giving guidance, direction, and telling people what to do. His suggestions look simple, but are not easy in practice – because they often run against many leaders’ ingrained habits.  It is hard to break an old habit and create a new one.

His opening chapter briefly discusses habits – how we recognize them and a process for breaking them to create new habits.  He refers to Charles Duhigg’s book, The Power of Habit, and a few other works as well, though he doesn’t refer to Marshall Goldsmith’s Triggers, which would have been appropriate, since Stanier does talk about breaking the habit of being “triggered” into old patterns of behavior.  He argues that our habitual responses are normally triggered by some external factor, and notes that we need to recognize those triggers before we can create a new habitual response.  Two of the most counter-productive habits that most leaders associate with their responsibilities, but indeed run counter to the coaching habit, is telling people what to do and giving advice.

The book makes the useful distinction between “performance coaching” and “development coaching.”  Sometimes performance coaching is necessary – showing someone how to do something and solving everyday problems. Development coaching however shifts the focus from the problem to the person being coached –  he uses the analogy of shifting the focus from the fire, to the firefighter.   Development coaching  helps them to figure out what to do, what the right thing to do is, and develops them into more self-sufficient leaders.  This book is about development coaching.

The book is structured around Seven Questions – each question has its own chapter which discusses and elaborates on why this question is so important, and he offers different approaches to using it. He also offers at the end of each chapter a link to his website (Thecoachinghabit.com/videos) for a brief video (usually 10-15 mins long) of him discussing the topic of that chapter.

Below are the 7 questions and a very brief description of points he makes as to why each is a fundamental coaching question:

Question 1.  The Kickstarter Question:  What’s on your mind?  This question puts the onus on the person being coached to think about what their issue is and what they want to talk about.  It forces them to decide what they want to address – this question tells them that THEIR needs are driving the conversation.  Stanier offers alternatives: Where should we begin?  or Where’s the best place for us to begin? or Where’s the most useful place for us to start?

Question 2.  The AWE Question: And What Else? He calls this the best coaching question in the world.  “With seemingly no effort it creates more – more wisdom, more insights, more self-awareness, more possibilities – out of thin air.”  It puts the ball in the court of the person being coached.  It opens the door to what may REALLY be on their mind – the issues behind the issue.   In this chapter he warns against binary choices, and asking the “And what else could you do?” question should help the subordinate look for 3rd or 4th options when someone is struggling to choose.     He also introduces the “Advice Monster” in this chapter,  the bain of great coaching, because it “leaps out of the darkness and hijacks the conversation.”    He says he normally asks the AWE question  at least 3 times in any coaching conversation.   Amazing what comes up.   After the “And what else?” question has been answered, finish up with “Is there anything else?”.   Celebrate success when the response is “There’s nothing else.”

Question 3. The Focus Question: What’s the real challenge here for you?  This is the question you ask when your subordinates come to you and want YOU to do THEIR work for them.  It will also slow down the rush to action, and helps make sure that you or they are working on the right problem, instead of spending a lot of energy working on the problem that isn’t really THE problem. He says, “Focus on the REAL problem, not the FIRST problem.” The “for you” in this question pins it to the person you are talking to, and focuses on what they need to help them address the problem.  In this chapter he warns against “coaching the ghost” as discussions can divert to what other people are doing, or  what someone else could be doing better.  “What’s the real challenge here for you?” brings the discussion back to the person you are talking to.

Question 4: The Foundation Question:  What do you want?  He calls this the adult-to-adult question, since adults are able to ask and tell specifically what they are looking for. To ask this question, you have to be ready to answer “No” to what they want, but he suggests that you ensure that the No is to the request, but not to the person.    The corollary question is, “What do you REALLY want.”  It often stops people in their tracks.  He also has an interesting section on the difference between wants and needs, and offers  another corollary quesition, is, “Yes, but what do you really NEED.”  Understanding needs should give a better background to help define or satisfy the want.  He concludes that a coach gets more credibility when the coach also shares what s/he really wants or needs as well.  He offers up a couple of prefixes to help soften the tone and take the edge off of the direct question:  “Just out of curiosity, do you really think….” or “Just so I know…” or “To help me understand better….” or “To make sure I’m clear…”

Question 5:  The Lazy Question:  How can I help?  In this chapter he distinguishes between truly helping and being “helpful,” the later being a negative – always seeking to help others with their problems, and not helping them to grow.    He talks about the Karpman Triangle –  the three corners of which  are The Victim, The Persecutor, The Rescuer, representing roles we can inadvertently let ourselves be triggered into playing.  And when we let ourselves slip into The Rescuer mode, we are constantly leaping in to help others, when often the best thing would be to let them (or help them) figure things out for themselves.  The “How can I help?” question serves two purposes: First it forces a specific “ask” from the person being coached, and second, (and more importantly) it stops you from thinking YOU know the answer to what the other person needs, and puts the Advice Monster back in its cage.  The goal is to help people get better at finding their own answers….

Question 6: The Strategic Question: If you’re saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to? He wants to ban the phrases “good busy” and “work smarter, not harder” and quotes business strategy guru David Porter: “the essence of strategy is choosing what not to do.”   A “Yes” is nothing without a “No” that gives it boundaries and form.   Stanier calls getting things done  “good work.”  He calls work that has meaning and great impact “great work.”  The coach seeks to help people do less good work and more great work.   He says that asking, “What does being fully committed to this idea look like?” should bring an idea into sharper, bolder focus.   He also suggests strategies for saying “yes” more slowly, to allow time to stay curious, ask more questions, and examine the tradeoffs  in making a decision before committing.

Question 7: The Learning Question:  What was most useful for you?  This question creates the learning moment at the end of a conversation, forcing the participant to reflect on the discussion and what they got out of it. (Kind of like why I write these reviews.)  This question forces people to extract value from the conversation.  It bookends a conversation that begins with “And what’s on your mind?”  After hearing their response to the What was most useful for you? question, Stanier recommends you tell them what YOU found most valuable in the conversation – making you a partner with them in learning.  It is a strong and powerful way to end a conversation.

THREE EXCELLENT and SHORT CONCLUDING CHAPTERS:  He notes that these questions also work well in other-than-face-to-face media – email, text, phone.  He notes that when he gets an email that triggers the Advice Monster, rather than getting sucked in to a long response, he gives one of the 7 questions back to the asker.  “I’ve scanned your email. In a sentence or two, what do you want?” or “Before I jump into a longer reply, let me ask you: What’s the real challenge here for you?” He notes that “the real secret sauce here is building a habit of curiosity.  I love his concluding take off on the world’s most interesting man’s imperative to “Stay thirsty, my friend.”  Stanier tells us to “Stay curious, my friend.”

His final guidance is:  “A little less advice, a little more curiosity.  Find your own questions, find your own voice. And above all, build your own coaching habit.” The book concludes with a chapter listing additional resources and books he’d recommend for additional work in the areas he discusses in his book.

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Here are the seven questions – with the order slightly adjusted:  What’s on your Mind?, And What Else?  What’s the Challenge in this for you? What are you saying No to? What do you Want?   How can I Help?   What was most Useful for you?

And in case this may be helpful to you, here is a silly pneumonic that helps me remember these 7 questions: My Aardvark Can Not Wear Heavy Underwear.  That said, if I were an executive with my own office, I’d probably have these questions framed and up on the wall, to remind me everyday to better solidify my “coaching habit.”